The last three months could be the hardest months I’ve ever endured. Lack of sleep, due to becoming immune to sleeping pills, and fatigue, due to the same problem with energy drinks and caffeine pills.
Suicide has never crossed my mind, but throwing my life away to an organization that specializes in owning you, has. Like the Army or Navy. I’m not worried about getting killed, but loosing 4 or 5 years of my life is the scariest debt I would ever have to owe. My time on this planet, while I’m at the peak of my health, is being spent every ticking second. And it will be gone before I’m done needing it.
The things I must do are all in 3d animated film. The ideas that entertain me at all hours of the day tease me because I lack the time to produce them.
Throwing my life away is keeping these things from happening and it feels like I’m somehow poisoned with my own bad habits. I easily blame others for my problems, but systemic problems require systemic solutions. And the system having trouble is me.

My biggest fault is laziness. The reason is because I have a phobia of not being entertained. (Being bored.) And this phobia is entangled within every aspect of my personality. For example, I’ll feel happy if I don’t have to spend time sitting at a funeral. Even if it’s for someone I loved very much. Reading a book verses everything digital that stimulates more parts of my brain causes me to have piles of books I’ve only half read.
Just now, I’m fully aware of this problem and have decided that it’s the core issue to my inability to be productive.
I must learn to always ask myself, why I’m not enthusiastic about a particular thing. With that verbal tool, I will climb more mountains and cross more bridges.

This is an introduction because you, the reader, see my posts and only get a sliver of my personality. Today I will start trying to live differently than ever before. And through my healing I will someday reflect differently through my posts.

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